15/16 Weeks

15w2dlabeledAfter long years of waiting, Z and I finally got a positive pregnancy test on September 12, 2012. I was so excited I was shaking, and then it didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t, and I’ve had three ultrasounds. I can’t feel baby move yet, and that bump depicted above only appeared at the end of last week, so around 15+2. It’s really only noticeable if I wear certain maternity clothes. I love it but at the same time, I’m not sure I don’t just look fat. It’s hard to believe there’s actually a baby in there.

We do have a home Doppler, and it’s gotten easier to find Hoho’s heartbeat. That’s reassuring, but I seem to forget about it quickly. I feel ungrateful, but I had really convinced myself this would never happen. I also never see babies, for the most part, so it’s like it’s all theoretical. Or something. You might look at that picture and go “oh, definitely a bump!” but if I showed you a picture of myself today you’d probably say, “hm… maybe that outfit just makes you look dumpy.” So I’m impatient for the next thing — feeling kicks; the anatomy scan; looking undeniably pregnant rather than fat. I’ve been urged not to want to rush through pregnancy since it’s such a short time, and before I was pregnant, I really thought I’d agree with that. Yet here I am wishing I could just fast forward to the part where I have a baby on the outside and I can really get to know him or her. I guess I don’t appreciate potential as much as I could. Is the baby silly or serious? Lots of hair or no hair? Does he like to snuggle or is she standoffish like me? ¬†What will the cats think?

Symptoms, in case anyone gets here via Googling, are largely subsiding by now. Pregnancy has made my asthma much worse and I had to add a Flovent inhaler to my routine; it’s helped a lot after two weeks of twice-daily use. Previously, I felt like there was an iron band around my chest and I could never get a good breath. I have heartburn that might kill me except for the miracle of Prevacid. If I don’t keep on top of it, I also get super nauseated. I pee all the time; I thought there was a break coming for that, but so far, it’s minimal. I still wake up several times in the night to visit the restroom.

I feel guilty for not being super excited about everything that’s happening, but it turns out I didn’t want to be PREGNANT all these years; I just want to be a mom.