15/16 Weeks

15w2dlabeledAfter long years of waiting, Z and I finally got a positive pregnancy test on September 12, 2012. I was so excited I was shaking, and then it didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t, and I’ve had three ultrasounds. I can’t feel baby move yet, and that bump depicted above only appeared at the end of last week, so around 15+2. It’s really only noticeable if I wear certain maternity clothes. I love it but at the same time, I’m not sure I don’t just look fat. It’s hard to believe there’s actually a baby in there.

We do have a home Doppler, and it’s gotten easier to find Hoho’s heartbeat. That’s reassuring, but I seem to forget about it quickly. I feel ungrateful, but I had really convinced myself this would never happen. I also never see babies, for the most part, so it’s like it’s all theoretical. Or something. You might look at that picture and go “oh, definitely a bump!” but if I showed you a picture of myself today you’d probably say, “hm… maybe that outfit just makes you look dumpy.” So I’m impatient for the next thing — feeling kicks; the anatomy scan; looking undeniably pregnant rather than fat. I’ve been urged not to want to rush through pregnancy since it’s such a short time, and before I was pregnant, I really thought I’d agree with that. Yet here I am wishing I could just fast forward to the part where I have a baby on the outside and I can really get to know him or her. I guess I don’t appreciate potential as much as I could. Is the baby silly or serious? Lots of hair or no hair? Does he like to snuggle or is she standoffish like me?  What will the cats think?

Symptoms, in case anyone gets here via Googling, are largely subsiding by now. Pregnancy has made my asthma much worse and I had to add a Flovent inhaler to my routine; it’s helped a lot after two weeks of twice-daily use. Previously, I felt like there was an iron band around my chest and I could never get a good breath. I have heartburn that might kill me except for the miracle of Prevacid. If I don’t keep on top of it, I also get super nauseated. I pee all the time; I thought there was a break coming for that, but so far, it’s minimal. I still wake up several times in the night to visit the restroom.

I feel guilty for not being super excited about everything that’s happening, but it turns out I didn’t want to be PREGNANT all these years; I just want to be a mom.

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